LIFE - Stranger than fiction
It was the sound of tires spinning on ice that caught our attention. Maureen and I were sitting in this very room, watching something about Gigantic Cockroaches that could "Mimic" human beings...at least looking enough like one to put people at ease should they spot one in dim light circumstances.
I was having my breakfast directly in front of the only window in this room. It's great to have natural light to pig out by. I leaned to my right a bit because the sound seemed to be coming from my left so I could see past the corner of the house. There she was...the shall we say, mentally suspect woman, pouring the gas to her Caravan Mini-van but going nowhere. She would let off the gas, put the van in neutral, allow it to roll down against the garage door, shift into reverse once more and put the pedal to the metal, spinning hopelessly from one side to the other as she turned the steering wheel from one stop to the other.
Suddenly three of the doors flew open and three females jumped out onto the ice covered snow. The largest one of the group (I'm assuming - the mother figure) walked around on the left side of the van, waving her hands in the air, screaming for someone to come and help her get out of her own driveway.
Then, the largest of the two smaller people, walked around the front of the van and removed a crushed, plastic trash can. The biggest female got back into the van and repeated the same process as before, only this time, the two smaller people got in front of the van, between it and the garage door. Suddenly, I'm having visions of two children being crushed to death by their Mom's stupid antics. YES! I did say stupid. It can't be classified as anything else.
Now I'm cracking jokes about how she must believe that if she gets hot enough under the collar that would melt the ice and snow that was under her front tires and free her from her icy prison. Once more, she was out of the van, screaming and ranting like a mad person. Maureen wondered out loud about where she could possibly need to go on such a morning. I'm in humor mode so I suggested that she was late for her appointment with her psychiatrist.
Maureen, being the good Samaritan in the family asked if I thought she should go over and help her if possible. I said "I don't recommend it Babe, she'd probably get you so angry that you'd hit her with the shovel instead of trying to scrape some ice with it."
She didn't listen to me. Why am I not surprised? Off she went, headed for the garage. Next thing I know, she is headed down the driveway with two shovels in hand, looking back at me, instructing me to stay in the house, off the ice and snow so as not to break a hip or some other critical bone in my body. I'm getting dressed and she's still looking back at me and now she's the one doing the screaming. "Don't you DARE come out here on this ice." I told her to SHUT UP and stop treating me like I am a child. Now we are at risk for having ourselves a BIG fight and that would really suck cause there would be no make-up sex to make it worth while.
Considering that possible outcome, I took off my hat and coat and went back inside and rehashed the situation with Gail. Then I went upstairs where I had a better vantage point and could be a witness for whatever events unfolded over there in that crazy lady's driveway. Also I needed to make it possible for me to be a reliable eye-witness in court after I sue her for running over my wife while she was trying to help her.
The next thing I knew, our neighbors that live directly across the street from us, next door to the crazy lady, came out to see what all the commotion was about. Once informed, the fellow, whose name shall remain anonymous, returned to his own garage, got a couple of ice clearing implements and went back to her driveway. There was some furious scraping and shoveling for a few moments, then, they did the craziest act I've seen in a long while. They told the crazy woman to get back in the van with her children, while they got in front of the van, squeezed up against the garage door and pushed while the crazy lady applied gas to the front drive wheels. Slowly the Van began to move up the incline, away from the accumulated ice, onto the bare patch that had been under where the Van was parked. There was the sound of screeching tires as they got traction and ZOOM, she was out onto the street headed for Victor's truck (our next door neighbor.) Fortunately she was able to stop in time, jerked the gearshift down into DRIVE and away she and her girls went.
They were headed for a cheer leading class being held at the daughter's school, I found out later from Maureen.
I asked Maureen why she and our neighbors hadn't taken the time to clear off her driveway while they were there and had all the tools needed. Didn't she know that the lady would soon return, pull right back down into that spot and be stuck again the next time she needed to go somewhere. She suggested that I go fornicate with myself or something that I understood to mean virtually the same thing.
Well...that's not a good start to a Saturday morning. Later, my girls left to do some shopping, leaving me, Jenny and Lucy to watch Tiger play some more golf in the Accenture International Match Play tournament.
Won't you join us once you've stopped laughing at my funny story?
